Ding Dong

Readers may remember a call for vigilance here at the Lampoon when we heard rumours that home educators were receiving orders to board a small vessel known as Defamation Dinghy. We can now confirm that two dementors turned up recently to a children’s charity meeting and not only sucked all the joy and happiness out of the home educating community but also cast a hapless home educator into the vessel and sailed away. The dementors were believed to have been sent by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-By-Any-Of-Her-100 -Names – also known as Havabob (and want a few more) The Witch – whom the home educator in question had dared to insult. Havabob The Witch has also sent a number of her pet trolls to infiltrate Facebook groups and identify further hapless victims to throw into her dinghy. Unfortunately due to the nature of social media it is not possible to identify the trolls by their disgusting troll stench nor to hear the sound of bones crunching. Readers are advised to lead their goats back and forth over random bridges in the hope that the trolls can be persuaded to fuck off back to their swamps and eat the goats instead. It seems unlikely that the Libel Lifeboat will be able to carry out a rescue of the hapless home educator and here at the Lampoon we are concerned not only for her ongoing safety but also for her children – the old hag Havabob is demanding a hefty ransom of several thousand bob for the release of the hapless home educator from Defamation Dinghy and if the family cannot pay it seems likely they will all be cooked and eaten. We can only hope she chokes on the bones. Disappointingly Dorothy told the Lampoon that she would be unable to fly out from Kansas to help dispense with the wicked witch because Havabob has taken the Straw Man into her service. He was last seen simmering in a cauldron along with all the other logical fallacies, some very dodgy stats, a large helping of threats of lawsuits and a generous seasoning of histrionics. These are widely believed to be the key ingredients of her spell to control the Entire Internet. Havabob has just issued a press release which includes a ten times life size photograph of herself cackling over the foul smelling cauldron. Despite the fact that the photograph has been reproduced on the side of every bus, readers are cautioned not to mention it. It is a secret and if Havabob finds out that you know about it, she will likely have your eyeballs (or maybe just your balls) on toast for breakfast.

The Smokeless Smokescreen

There are significant health concerns linked to smoke. Fine particles can enter the eyes and respiratory system and cause irritation and symptoms such as asthma and bronchitis. In addition, burning wood releases carbon dioxide which is clearly A Very Bad Thing. So the Lampoon is glad to see that some folks in the home education community are leading the way in developing the smokeless smokescreen.

In order to create a smokeless smokescreen one must first of all acquire some small twigs. Real twigs can usually be obtained by mining data found on the internet or provided to you by scum friends on Facebook and other social networking sites. Social Services keep a good supply of twigs so if you have a spouse or partner employed there, she or he could maybe bring some home for you. Obviously this is illegal but if your smokeless smokescreen is effective no-one will notice. It’s usually better if you twist the twigs out of shape once you’ve got them. If you can’t find any real twigs then just use pretend ones, they work just as well.

Now you need to lay your fire. Place your twigs, real and imaginary upon the ground and proceed to run around in circles shouting things like “Triksy Liar” and “Integrity Fetishist” as loudly as you can. Eventually, if you continue to run round in circles you may see a little dust emanating from the region of your twigs. When that happens immediately shout “Forest Fire” and your smokeless smokescreen is accomplished without harm to trees or the environment. A job well done indeed.

Disclaimer – The Lampoon wishes to point out that it cannot be held responsible if your smokeless smokescreen fails to prevent home educators noticing 140 local authority officers preparing to beat the shit out of them.

Reading and Writing

The Lampoon would like to congratulate Fiona Nicholson on her recent appointment as ghost writer for Graham Stuart’s parliamentary aide. In an exclusive interview with The Lampoon, Graham Stuart said he was delighted with the appointment.  “Some voters actually still believe Members of Parliament are accountable to the electorate and Fiona’s natural disdain towards such people and their belief in accountability and transparency made her a perfect candidate for the role” he said.  However, he denied reports that he and Ms Nicholson had teamed up to record a duet of the single “True Colours” in time for the Christmas Top Twenty. He insisted that as lead vocalist of girl band The Secret Three and later the pop group Secret Guidelines, Fiona had already produced definitive versions of the well known song.

In other news, investigative reporters for The Lampoon have discovered a cry for help from infamous blogger Simon Webb. The Lampoon uncovered an advertisement  for a proof reader capable of logical thought posted by Mr Webb in Junior Puzzle Magazine. When asked for a statement he told The Lampoon:

“I just have to stop making a complete arse of myself. For example the other day a thoughtful commentator explained to me that the typical home educated child, raised in a literate environment with interested, engaged parents who chat with him and answer his questions will naturally acquire literacy. I then responded that this couldn’t possibly be true because children raised in a non-literate environment by parents who don’t even speak to them and who shove them into school at the earliest opportunity have been shown to have not acquired literacy. If I don’t find a way to stop myself posting completely illogical nonsense people are going to realise I’m actually just another embittered, sloppy thinker.”

We wish Mr Webb well in his search.

Classified Ads

For sale – Knight in Shining Armour Costume to include white charger and suit of armour.

Very reasonable condition, having had only one owner from new.

 Genuine reason for sale due to pantomime “The Saving of Home Education” having completed its final tour.

Enquiries to Graham Stuart MP

The Secret History of The Shire. Part One

There are rumours that a dark shadow is once again spreading out from Mordor. Hobbits continue to react with anger and disbelief to news that the Dark Lord, who fell in the battle of Minas Westminstershire three years ago, may not have been acting alone but was in fact a tiny strand of a much larger web of power that seems to have become invisibly embedded in the very fabric of the Shire.

Ancient runic manuscripts speak of a time when a web of power just provided essential services to the Shirelings but as hobbits came to rely on these and forgot how to fend for themselves, the webmasters saw an effective means to control the inhabitants of the Shire. Ale, pipeweed and almost all life essentials have been heavily taxed for years and all hobbits are compelled to hand over a percentage of their labour to the webmasters. This was unpopular at first but modern generations of hobbits cannot remember a time when it was not so.

In the dark and terrifying days of the fight against the Dark Lord, the hobbits were befriended by the wizard Gandalf the Grey-Ham-Stew who said he was a friend of hobbits and generally pranced around on a white charger. When it came to pass that the Dark Lord’s ring of power was finally dissolved in the battle of Minas Westminstershire many hobbits announced that Gandalf the Grey-Ham-Stew was a hero, but some hobbits were paranoid and said the ring of power could never be destroyed, that it would merely change hands. After the defeat of the Dark Lord, Gandalf the Grey-Ham-Stew continued to involve himself in the lives of hobbits, helping them as best he could, letting off fireworks and generally being heroic. But some surly individuals continued to mutter into their beards and ale that Gandalf the Grey-Ham-Stew was not the friend he seemed to be.

During the dark days, the ring of power had reached out to the Archangel Galadriel, who, after looking into a mirror, said it was also in her mind to write some secret guidelines for local hobbit catchers. She showed these guidelines to a friar named Brother Michael Donut-Woofer, who advised her to keep them secret because the hobbits probably would not like them very much. Brother Michael claimed he had not seen the secret guidelines and was widely believed by the hobbits. Archangel Galadriel saw that hobbits tended to trust Brother Michael and from then on she kept him close. They began to work together with another friar called Brother Peter in a organisation dedicated to eradicating compulsory quills by ensuring that every hobbit receives a ballpoint or fountain pen whether they want one or not – the Campaign for Pens for Everyone.

However, Brother Peter had once worked for an organisation called Backdoor. Backdoor was funded by the alleged web of power originally to install Palantírs into Shire schools. However, later on, Backdoor worked to drum up support (via the Council for Palantír Safety which it created) for surveillance and control of Palantír technology in the Shire. It mostly did this by scaring older hobbits into believing their youngsters were in terrible danger from the Palantír network and that it was far too complex for older hobbits to do anything to protect them. Some hobbits were thus duped into begging for their Palantírs and networks to be monitored and restricted by the web of power if it would safeguard just one hobbit child. The head of Backdoor during this later period was none other than the Dark Lord himself.

~ To be continued…

Advanced Sarcasm Award

Writer and blogger Mr S Webb has been nominated for the Advanced Sarcasm award for his satirical blog Home Education Heretic.

Home Education Heretic features the writings of Webb’s parodical character Simon. The panel of judges said they considered the character created by Mr Webb to be “one of the most riotously hilarious and masterfully drawn satirical characters they had ever encountered”.

Mr Webb portrays Simon as a somewhat unsavoury, argumentative character with deficiencies in the logical thinking department and severe individuation issues. The character has delusions of being a journalist and gains immense gratification when he is able to imagine that his almost identically named daughter is really just a female version of himself. The character enjoys pissing people off by talking to them as if they were slightly simple children, pretending he “knows them better than they know themselves” and quoting them out of context and meaning. The fictional character spends hours hunched over Google stalking his opponents across the internet in order to glean every morsel of information that might be used to character assassinate them on his blog.

Most recently home educators have been in stitches over the antics of “Simon” with regard to autonomous home education. Having spent years debunking the practice and shouting la la la I can’t hear you with his fingers in his ears whenever evidence of its efficacy is presented to him, the character has now decided it may be a good thing and has set out to prove he has been doing it all along.

The panel said that the character “Simon” was so skillfully drawn that some people have believed him to be a real person and for this reason the nomination is particularly appropriate. If Mr Webb wins the award, he will receive the Advanced Sarcasm plaque pictured below. A prestigious honour indeed.

sarcasm - Copy

Children Missing Education

Thousands of paleolithic families stand to have their children taken into local authority care today after they failed to prove their children were in receipt of suitable education and failed to comply with school attendance orders. The children were discovered after new statutory guidance on identifying children missing from education came into force.

A spokesperson for the Department of Education said that the children were not in school and were not being suitably educated at home. The children seemed to be expected to learn all the skills they need to become productive members of society via a haphazard combination of imitation and oral instruction. Shockingly none of the families were following any kind of approved curriculum and had no philosophy of education nor educational resources on hand. The children are permitted to use knives and other offensive weapons and are frequently out and about during the day without a valid educational reason, such as going to the library. They are expected and want to spend hundreds of hours practicing the same skills in order to become highly competent at them and clearly do not receive an education that is broad and balanced.

Educational blogger Simon Webb rarely has anything useful to say and today was no exception. However he insisted that it needs to be made much harder for people like this to teach their own children. Whilst admitting that human beings are driven by instinct to acquire the skills they see in use by adult members of their society, Webb was horrified that the children were not being taught calculus. A spokesperson for the NSPCC was unavailable for comment due to a hectic party schedule.

There were angry scenes today in London today following a meeting between the elders of the tribe and educational experts from the Department of Education. The elders have been told that all young members of the tribe must spend thirteen years between the ages of 5 and 18 being taught a Department approved curriculum which includes calculus and PSHE despite the fact that 95% of it will be completely irrelevant and useless to them. During that time the youngsters are not permitted to hunt or carry out other productive work. Any tools made or skins cured by the youngsters as part of their education can only be put on display on the walls of the tribal cave and may not be used for any productive purpose. The elders wept as they explained that the tribe would become extinct in no time at all if these measures were implemented. Albert Einstein, who spoke on behalf of the tribe, punched Daniel Monk, adviser to the Department of Education, calling him a fucking idiot, whereupon Department of Education officials immediately strangled Einstein with a plant.

Saint Factor

Regional heats for X-Factor Saint Factor 2013 have begun and anyone who wishes to be invited for audition should be making sure all of their contacts know how wonderful they are, if they haven’t already done so. However, most hopefuls have been posting lists of their good deeds on email groups and facebook for quite some time.

Solo trumpet blowing is by far the most popular genre in the competition but current favourite for the prize is girl band Sour Cream. The lead vocalist of Sour Cream gained a massive advantage with her incredible performance of Steam Clean (a toilet) some weeks back and when asked for her assessment of her group’s chances replied “Shit, we’re good”. However, more recently, one of the group’s backing vocalists caused a setback for the band with her lacklustre performances of Be Nice (or we won’t help you)” and My Way (or the highway).

The favourite songs seen so far amongst competition hopefuls tend to be We’re Cleaning You Up, Keep on Pushing (myself forward) and Traffic Light Remix although I Support Single Mothers and Brown Nose Bastard are also popular.SaintFactor - Copy

One contender in Saint Factor 2013, a solo act called The Pugs, has told the Lampoon that winning the competition is secondary to gaining a place in girl band Sour Cream although she’s certain she will achieve both accolades. Tension is bound to be very high throughout the competition. As well as the kudos of being declared most saintly home educator, the winner will also be awarded a year’s worth of free car repairs.

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