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Ding Dong



Readers may remember a call for vigilance here at the Lampoon when we heard rumours that home educators were receiving orders to board a small vessel known as Defamation Dinghy. We can now confirm that two dementors turned up recently to a children’s charity meeting and not only sucked all the joy and happiness out of the home educating community but also cast a hapless home educator into the vessel and sailed away. The dementors were believed to have been sent by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-By-Any-Of-Her-100 -Names – also known as Havabob (and want a few more) The Witch – whom the home educator in question had dared to insult. Havabob The Witch has also sent a number of her pet trolls to infiltrate Facebook groups and identify further hapless victims to throw into her dinghy. Unfortunately due to the nature of social media it is not possible to identify the trolls by their disgusting troll stench nor to hear the sound of bones crunching. Readers are advised to lead their goats back and forth over random bridges in the hope that the trolls can be persuaded to fuck off back to their swamps and eat the goats instead. It seems unlikely that the Libel Lifeboat will be able to carry out a rescue of the hapless home educator and here at the Lampoon we are concerned not only for her ongoing safety but also for her children – the old hag Havabob is demanding a hefty ransom of several thousand bob for the release of the hapless home educator from Defamation Dinghy and if the family cannot pay it seems likely they will all be cooked and eaten. We can only hope she chokes on the bones. Disappointingly Dorothy told the Lampoon that she would be unable to fly out from Kansas to help dispense with the wicked witch because Havabob has taken the Straw Man into her service. He was last seen simmering in a cauldron along with all the other logical fallacies, some very dodgy stats, a large helping of threats of lawsuits and a generous seasoning of histrionics. These are widely believed to be the key ingredients of her spell to control the Entire Internet. Havabob has just issued a press release which includes a ten times life size photograph of herself cackling over the foul smelling cauldron. Despite the fact that the photograph has been reproduced on the side of every bus, readers are cautioned not to mention it. It is a secret and if Havabob finds out that you know about it, she will likely have your eyeballs (or maybe just your balls) on toast for breakfast.


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